I lift my head, open my eyes
Look around and realize
That today, I don’t want to say
Anything, speak a single word
Or utter even a sigh
Today, I want everything else to speak
For itself
And speak for me
Today, I want the bed to say
I had a restless night
The night to say I didn’t sleep
I want my hands to say
They have a firm grip
Even if I have nothing to hold onto
I want my lips to tell you
They haven’t kissed love
The Sun in the sky
The Sun in my eyes
And the light to say
I hate the dark in my life
In the corners of my room
In the corners of my mind
I want the Earth to say
I’m a burden to bear
But She doesn’t mind
All that much
And that She would rather have
Me living, leeching off her
Than leaving, leaving, left
Today, I want the skies to fall
And provide a blanket
Of sightless, soundless, thoughtless bliss
For even a moment
I want the world to tell
Of the lack of peace in life
Not too loudly or in lament
Just in moderation
I want, in excess, arms
And eyes and smiles
That radiate love
And don’t question my bearing
I close my eyes
Breathe in one last time
Because today
I want my body to speak my mind
I want my heart to rule my brain
And your brain
And the rationale of our world
I want my last breath to tell the air
That I will draw one more
That I’ll never choose to not be there
That I would be too scared
To leave alone
To leave you alone
To leave
I want my every breath to say
I live, I love, I lie, I care
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Intention
Trigger Warning: Self-Injury
Mad, she slammed the door
stomped to the bed and
threw her weight against mute, unyeilding cloth and cotton
Screaming seemed a good idea
smashing things to the floor seemed better
old habits die hard
but if you get older leaving the habits behind,
they come back to you reluctantly
almost never, like abandoned children
who refuse to return to the nest that never was
Her nails were too big
she fished for the nailcutter in the clutter that was her room
found it and forced it on her fingers
If her hands were shaking
if she was careless
if she sneezed suddenly or the room shook by way of providence
but you can't play out the future in your head
and expect manifestations before your eyes
and so, when the nailcutter closed with a snap
the only things that cut were nails
Her shirt was loose, button missing at the top
A safety pin held the cloth together against her chest
she plucked it out
Like swift streams flowing with practiced grace
like little pebbles rolling down a slope
like the invisible lines made by ballet dancers
to recreate them on the plains of her arms
armed with just a tiny, sharp point
a temporary tattoo of red
a permanant one of brown
Afterwards, she replaces the pin,
switches off the light and gets into bed
Her arm is outstretched for all the world to see - unmarred, unmarked
Saturday, 1 January 2011
2011 Thoughts
Okay. This is it - another new year.
New calenders, new diaries, new clothes, new toothbrush, a jacket for the cold, new socks (my first pair in years), new 'resolutions' - old place, old college, old friends, old hand-writing, same old feelings.
I guess the only difference, probably the most significant one, is that now there is new resolve.
I still am addicted to tea.
I got my guitar from Hyderabad - God, my fingers have rusted and If I can't do the F chord smoothly enough before Feb ending (that's giving me a LONG time), I shall pluck the strings off and strangle myself with them!
Meanwhile, I can play familiar old tunes, all thanks to the net...
1. You can be angry and be a laughing, joking person. One does not have to come at the cost of the other
2. The stories will not write themselves and it's okay for stories to exist without known beginnings or endings. As long as the heart of the matter is there, the body will build around it...sooner if you get the basics down on paper (or on MS Word...)
3. Tackle the Stairs
4. Resolution No. 1
5. Resolution No. 2
6. Bring my baby home - how?? Step 1: Start searching for Kennels....
7. Live up to the reputation - work hard this time
8. Don't be weak
Ah...so that's the list, more or less. I'm not writing Resolutions 1 and 2 here.
In fact, I should print this out and stick it on my wall.
Mostly Positive
Happy New Year - it's 2011!!
New calenders, new diaries, new clothes, new toothbrush, a jacket for the cold, new socks (my first pair in years), new 'resolutions' - old place, old college, old friends, old hand-writing, same old feelings.
I guess the only difference, probably the most significant one, is that now there is new resolve.
I still am addicted to tea.
I got my guitar from Hyderabad - God, my fingers have rusted and If I can't do the F chord smoothly enough before Feb ending (that's giving me a LONG time), I shall pluck the strings off and strangle myself with them!
Meanwhile, I can play familiar old tunes, all thanks to the net...
1. You can be angry and be a laughing, joking person. One does not have to come at the cost of the other
2. The stories will not write themselves and it's okay for stories to exist without known beginnings or endings. As long as the heart of the matter is there, the body will build around it...sooner if you get the basics down on paper (or on MS Word...)
3. Tackle the Stairs
4. Resolution No. 1
5. Resolution No. 2
6. Bring my baby home - how?? Step 1: Start searching for Kennels....
7. Live up to the reputation - work hard this time
8. Don't be weak
Ah...so that's the list, more or less. I'm not writing Resolutions 1 and 2 here.
In fact, I should print this out and stick it on my wall.
Mostly Positive
Happy New Year - it's 2011!!
Sunday, 5 September 2010
SATENWARE
GEN 'insert alphabet'
Do you even know what that means? It is easy, so easy to give birth to new expressions and images but who will define meanings for these?
Will it still remain yours after being seen and used in a 1000 different ways by a 1000 different people?
Get down from that high horse you sit on. It is a mere illusion which gives you so much power. Now I have seen that illusion and I have seen through it, so be ready to share it with me.
So easy for you, so very easy: you have crossed the damn river twice over and now standing on the other side, so acutely aware of your accomplishments and your travails, you mock those who are struggling to cross. You even go so far as to say that they will never cross with such weak and despicable thoughts and actions.
You know what’s worse?? You are bloody, God-be-damned right...
I am not going to be crossing anything anytime soon – not like this, not with what I have and what I am. But hearing that repeatedly, seeing that in you and in me, in the mirror, in the swirling dregs in my tea, in the clouds, in the stinking red of the buildings and the choking grey of the concrete beneath my feet – it doesn’t help, not even in the least bit.
A plague upon every smirking, smug, self-satisfied face...You can take your victory to the grave, and I will take mine (victory, or lack of it) with me...But I live too, as plainly as you do and that alone is the pinnacle for some, so I’ll start with treasuring that.
Not choosing sides, not adhering to the known and understood forms of support or resistance, not falling in any definable category and by that alone, belonging to an all new condemnable one, all this troubles the illusion of balance, of a perfect functioning system. But that is only in the beginning. After a while, even the anomaly becomes a part of the whole, a part of the system and you find you don’t need any drastically innovative way to deal with it.
But I believe that somewhere in the madness around me, there is still a path that is laid. It doesn’t run for long and can only take me to a point and all it does is give me time. For as long as the path runs, that long I have to decide whatever path I will create and follow at the end of the old one.
If this is euphemism, if this is blind hope, a coward’s excuse, a procrastinator’s new resolution, an immobile, dormant will’s promise to action, then so be it. Whatever gives...
Will it still remain yours after being seen and used in a 1000 different ways by a 1000 different people?
Get down from that high horse you sit on. It is a mere illusion which gives you so much power. Now I have seen that illusion and I have seen through it, so be ready to share it with me.
So easy for you, so very easy: you have crossed the damn river twice over and now standing on the other side, so acutely aware of your accomplishments and your travails, you mock those who are struggling to cross. You even go so far as to say that they will never cross with such weak and despicable thoughts and actions.
You know what’s worse?? You are bloody, God-be-damned right...
I am not going to be crossing anything anytime soon – not like this, not with what I have and what I am. But hearing that repeatedly, seeing that in you and in me, in the mirror, in the swirling dregs in my tea, in the clouds, in the stinking red of the buildings and the choking grey of the concrete beneath my feet – it doesn’t help, not even in the least bit.
A plague upon every smirking, smug, self-satisfied face...You can take your victory to the grave, and I will take mine (victory, or lack of it) with me...But I live too, as plainly as you do and that alone is the pinnacle for some, so I’ll start with treasuring that.
Not choosing sides, not adhering to the known and understood forms of support or resistance, not falling in any definable category and by that alone, belonging to an all new condemnable one, all this troubles the illusion of balance, of a perfect functioning system. But that is only in the beginning. After a while, even the anomaly becomes a part of the whole, a part of the system and you find you don’t need any drastically innovative way to deal with it.
But I believe that somewhere in the madness around me, there is still a path that is laid. It doesn’t run for long and can only take me to a point and all it does is give me time. For as long as the path runs, that long I have to decide whatever path I will create and follow at the end of the old one.
If this is euphemism, if this is blind hope, a coward’s excuse, a procrastinator’s new resolution, an immobile, dormant will’s promise to action, then so be it. Whatever gives...
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
WELCOME TO THE SHOW
WELCOME TO THE SHOW
when the literal is too less
and the figurative is too much
(It's the most ironical of things
That fear should bring with it bad memories
After the memories have stopped bringing fear
It's difficult to draw the line
Between what affects the body and what affects the mind
And how anything can trigger it sometimes)
Welcome, to the Show:
My cast is rather familiar, I must say
Today, they will perform for me
The story of the City
We start with the present
Enter the Sea
Such force, such fury
Forever falling against the banks of the city
Forever dancing, calm or otherwise
Forever restrained like it's meant to be
Today the Sea breaks onto the land
And not a structure that still stands
I crash against you for the little crack
For the summers of calm and lack
Of activity, the nights of restless ponder
And the time I didn't know
I could be free but freedom can be painful
And sometimes restrain over the unrestrained
Is an illusion worth holding on to
The curtains close and open
The second Act
Time for some flashback
And estranged twins sweep onto the stage
Make way for the Winter Cold and the live Fire
Both a part of mirth and mire
Fire always burned bright in the heart of the City
And so made the lovely, lonely Winter less cold
And the Winter rejoiced
For this balance is the manifestation of sanctity
And pure good will and nature
But every once in a while
A harsh wind winds its way around the town
Creeps over shoulders
And smothers hope
Puts all goodwill down
For all my light, I couldn't foresee This
And when I could, I was reduced to glowering embers
I let the cold slip past my vigil
These things happen, what could I have done
But I still live in your heart; I am your own personal Sun
For all my Frost and Cold, I am but nature
True and Old
I wish my creations were less harsh
I wish peace and bliss could last
A little longer than that
But now your warm heart is a hot inferno
And my cold will only be a cool memory
Tempered in fire and in ice
You are the free wind in the skies
And so the Act comes to an end
The characters, they bow and leave
But are soon replaced by the last entrant
Watch the Wind
As it whips you back into the present
And tries to breeze past issues that have lost words
I know you don't see me
I know you believe in me
I know you bless me for my presence
And I know you curse me too
For the mad haste I display now and then
But I carry your whispers and cries all over the world
And when I whisper, you strain to hear the echo of your words
I am driven by your Joy in being a part of me
And so I sail over the seas, I play with the snowflakes
And so I kindle the flames, I settle over your place
I sigh when you breathe, I huff when you leave
I change my direction to join your fleet
I fly over the moon in a single beat
Now I rest in the trees, amongst the leaves
They catch me when I free fall
The leaves will fall
And I will blow myself away
But every time we meet
We make music worth the stay
And that is that, thank you very much
The Show goes on, like they say
Curtain Call – but the stage is bare
My cast has left to perform elsewhere
Sunday, 13 June 2010
Conversations and Conflicts I
"I can't get to sleep..."
"Why?"
"I don't know...afraid to, I suppose..."
"What do you have to fear?? It's not like you're six and you fear the demons in the dark. Even if you did, there are none..."
"There are, if I close my eyes..."
"You're afraid of being caught unawares...HAH! but seriously, who do you think will get you here, in your own home, on your own bed!? No one can touch you..."
"I'M NOT AFRAID OF THAT!!"
"So you will say..."
"I'M NOT!! I don't have to prove it to you, of all the people...I'm afraid of what I see and hear and feel when I'm asleep...as simple as that..."
"Ah..I see..perhaps because you dream of THAT?? Is that why you can't bear to lose yourself to sleep? Afraid that your sleeping mind will overthrow the illusions in your waking one??"
"No...I don't care what you say...you know, you've been in my head...you know...I can't forever run from somthing that never even happened, to begin with..."
"Then why run?? Why the drama, the pretence of the chase??"
"Because I can't bring myself to believe that it's over...that it'll never surface again..."
"So now you live in fear of reliving something that never happened?"
"As long as these images keep playing in my mind, I'll always feel hunted..."
"You're pathetic...too weak to face the past and cut it down once and for all, too weak to chuck it and move on..."
"I don't wanna chuck what has made me me...I want it to be acknowedged first, then demythified...then destryoed...is that too much to ask for??"
"Some would say so..."
"I know and I'm my own proof...and that keeps me...but sometimes it's not enough, not nearly..."
Sometimes, when you're combing your hair or when you're typing a report, you think of what you were thought to be, what you still might be thought as...and you crumble into a thousand, dirty, ugly pieces...It lasts for a few minutes, for hours at times...then, sometimes, like now, it lasts for days and weeks and you shrink within yourself...shrink till there is little that identifies you as human save for your outwardly appearance...
If there was a devil and a hell, it must be a weak, sinful, unmoving lump, crouched in a corner of a surgically-sharp imagination, awake, scared, angry, in pain and waiting for a doom that will never come, but is ever anticipated...
"Why?"
"I don't know...afraid to, I suppose..."
"What do you have to fear?? It's not like you're six and you fear the demons in the dark. Even if you did, there are none..."
"There are, if I close my eyes..."
"You're afraid of being caught unawares...HAH! but seriously, who do you think will get you here, in your own home, on your own bed!? No one can touch you..."
"I'M NOT AFRAID OF THAT!!"
"So you will say..."
"I'M NOT!! I don't have to prove it to you, of all the people...I'm afraid of what I see and hear and feel when I'm asleep...as simple as that..."
"Ah..I see..perhaps because you dream of THAT?? Is that why you can't bear to lose yourself to sleep? Afraid that your sleeping mind will overthrow the illusions in your waking one??"
"No...I don't care what you say...you know, you've been in my head...you know...I can't forever run from somthing that never even happened, to begin with..."
"Then why run?? Why the drama, the pretence of the chase??"
"Because I can't bring myself to believe that it's over...that it'll never surface again..."
"So now you live in fear of reliving something that never happened?"
"As long as these images keep playing in my mind, I'll always feel hunted..."
"You're pathetic...too weak to face the past and cut it down once and for all, too weak to chuck it and move on..."
"I don't wanna chuck what has made me me...I want it to be acknowedged first, then demythified...then destryoed...is that too much to ask for??"
"Some would say so..."
"I know and I'm my own proof...and that keeps me...but sometimes it's not enough, not nearly..."
Sometimes, when you're combing your hair or when you're typing a report, you think of what you were thought to be, what you still might be thought as...and you crumble into a thousand, dirty, ugly pieces...It lasts for a few minutes, for hours at times...then, sometimes, like now, it lasts for days and weeks and you shrink within yourself...shrink till there is little that identifies you as human save for your outwardly appearance...
If there was a devil and a hell, it must be a weak, sinful, unmoving lump, crouched in a corner of a surgically-sharp imagination, awake, scared, angry, in pain and waiting for a doom that will never come, but is ever anticipated...
Friday, 19 March 2010
For them all, who didnt come back after that day
Can you forgive me this once more
I blew up big this time
promised you i'd be home
I stand guilty for someone else's crime
I have stashed your diary in the bottom drawer
sorry about that, now you know where it is
You write amazingly, by the way
and yeah, i loved it
Jimmy, your hair is NOT girly!
And yeah, daddy did put up a fight
a big one, like when Batman fought two-face
But the Bat's luckier than me
than again, maybe not - he aint got you
Julie, julie, my little julie
Your toothless smile is the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world
I wish, from the very pits of my heart,
that i could have told you that myself
But you already know that
Daddy is clever, he could always see it in your eyes:
Ah, that knowing look....
Daddy's girl is the best in the world
My love...there's nothing i can tell you that you dont already know
I love that photo of yours with the long, plaited hair on either side
I carry it with me all the time
It's a pity there was only one copy
But then look at it this way:
I have the rooted knowledge of your love, now for all eternity
I have all the memories
and they have you
And you have me
Ofcourse, that doesnt mean i was content to leave
Not in the least, never
I was where i belonged
Now i have changed my address
and i hope and pray you all dont move in with me before the place is ready!
kinda empty, need's working on...
it's ok, im working on it...
i know i will see you
so i wont say 'see you'
and you know this is not goodbye
or good night
this is just me trying to say i'm sorry
and that im grateful for you and for jimmy and julie
and that i love you all
always and forver
I blew up big this time
promised you i'd be home
I stand guilty for someone else's crime
I have stashed your diary in the bottom drawer
sorry about that, now you know where it is
You write amazingly, by the way
and yeah, i loved it
Jimmy, your hair is NOT girly!
And yeah, daddy did put up a fight
a big one, like when Batman fought two-face
But the Bat's luckier than me
than again, maybe not - he aint got you
Julie, julie, my little julie
Your toothless smile is the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world
I wish, from the very pits of my heart,
that i could have told you that myself
But you already know that
Daddy is clever, he could always see it in your eyes:
Ah, that knowing look....
Daddy's girl is the best in the world
My love...there's nothing i can tell you that you dont already know
I love that photo of yours with the long, plaited hair on either side
I carry it with me all the time
It's a pity there was only one copy
But then look at it this way:
I have the rooted knowledge of your love, now for all eternity
I have all the memories
and they have you
And you have me
Ofcourse, that doesnt mean i was content to leave
Not in the least, never
I was where i belonged
Now i have changed my address
and i hope and pray you all dont move in with me before the place is ready!
kinda empty, need's working on...
it's ok, im working on it...
i know i will see you
so i wont say 'see you'
and you know this is not goodbye
or good night
this is just me trying to say i'm sorry
and that im grateful for you and for jimmy and julie
and that i love you all
always and forver
Monday, 15 February 2010
Dew beneath our feet
I can see all of you in front of me. You seem normal.
Nothing out of the place, no sword hanging in the air above your heads.
You look fine, honey...in bold and italics, if it makes the point any clearer or stronger.
And i know i look exactly like that too.
But i am not.
So then, are you???
Do you look on the outside the way i know i do? On the inside, are you also riddled cheese, wobbly jelly and hard diamonds all mixed up?
No visible sword hanging over your head or mine.
Ah, the battles invisible issues fight on non-existant planes...
But, not to get distracted, are you then as deep in soup as me?
Are you dancing on a hot pan, trying to not move while doing so??
Do you feel wronged? Is life weird to you too?
But kind at the same time, giving you the essential love you thrive upon?
Do you wish you could close your eyes and just be sometimes?
Do you find peace when everyone's talking around you and you're just listening, glad you're able to do so - glad you're a part of the whole without having to say anything?
When you're walking in a group, do you stop without anyone noticing and stare up at the night sky, happy the stars are out?
Sometimes when something very happy happens to someone, do you want to burst into tears?
Do you smile suddenly because you recall that you're best friend had french fries at 3 in the morning or because the porche that just breezed past you looked like a bug with big eyes??
Do you like chocolate??
Hot tea or coffee when it's raining outside?
Arent you totally in love with this guy with the lopsided smile?
Didn't you cry in the shower that other day?
There is no visible sword hanging over your head. No visible freshly watered lawn on which you are walking. But i know you felt the dew under your feet because i felt it too.
Nothing out of the place, no sword hanging in the air above your heads.
You look fine, honey...in bold and italics, if it makes the point any clearer or stronger.
And i know i look exactly like that too.
But i am not.
So then, are you???
Do you look on the outside the way i know i do? On the inside, are you also riddled cheese, wobbly jelly and hard diamonds all mixed up?
No visible sword hanging over your head or mine.
Ah, the battles invisible issues fight on non-existant planes...
But, not to get distracted, are you then as deep in soup as me?
Are you dancing on a hot pan, trying to not move while doing so??
Do you feel wronged? Is life weird to you too?
But kind at the same time, giving you the essential love you thrive upon?
Do you wish you could close your eyes and just be sometimes?
Do you find peace when everyone's talking around you and you're just listening, glad you're able to do so - glad you're a part of the whole without having to say anything?
When you're walking in a group, do you stop without anyone noticing and stare up at the night sky, happy the stars are out?
Sometimes when something very happy happens to someone, do you want to burst into tears?
Do you smile suddenly because you recall that you're best friend had french fries at 3 in the morning or because the porche that just breezed past you looked like a bug with big eyes??
Do you like chocolate??
Hot tea or coffee when it's raining outside?
Arent you totally in love with this guy with the lopsided smile?
Didn't you cry in the shower that other day?
There is no visible sword hanging over your head. No visible freshly watered lawn on which you are walking. But i know you felt the dew under your feet because i felt it too.
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