For them all, who didnt come back after that day

Can you forgive me this once more
I blew up big this time
promised you i'd be home
I stand guilty for someone else's crime

I have stashed your diary in the bottom drawer
sorry about that, now you know where it is
You write amazingly, by the way
and yeah, i loved it

Jimmy, your hair is NOT girly!
And yeah, daddy did put up a fight
a big one, like when Batman fought two-face
But the Bat's luckier than me
than again, maybe not - he aint got you

Julie, julie, my little julie
Your toothless smile is the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world
I wish, from the very pits of my heart,
that i could have told you that myself

But you already know that
Daddy is clever, he could always see it in your eyes:
Ah, that knowing look....
Daddy's girl is the best in the world

My love...there's nothing i can tell you that you dont already know
I love that photo of yours with the long, plaited hair on either side
I carry it with me all the time
It's a pity there was only one copy

But then look at it this way:
I have the rooted knowledge of your love, now for all eternity
I have all the memories
and they have you
And you have me

Ofcourse, that doesnt mean i was content to leave
Not in the least, never
I was where i belonged
Now i have changed my address
and i hope and pray you all dont move in with me before the place is ready!
kinda empty, need's working on...
it's ok, im working on it...

i know i will see you
so i wont say 'see you'
and you know this is not goodbye
or good night
this is just me trying to say i'm sorry
and that im grateful for you and for jimmy and julie
and that i love you all
always and forver

Dew beneath our feet

I can see all of you in front of me. You seem normal.
Nothing out of the place, no sword hanging in the air above your heads.
You look fine, honey...in bold and italics, if it makes the point any clearer or stronger.

And i know i look exactly like that too.
But i am not.
So then, are you???

Do you look on the outside the way i know i do? On the inside, are you also riddled cheese, wobbly jelly and hard diamonds all mixed up?

No visible sword hanging over your head or mine.
Ah, the battles invisible issues fight on non-existant planes...
But, not to get distracted, are you then as deep in soup as me?
Are you dancing on a hot pan, trying to not move while doing so??

Do you feel wronged? Is life weird to you too?
But kind at the same time, giving you the essential love you thrive upon?
Do you wish you could close your eyes and just be sometimes?
Do you find peace when everyone's talking around you and you're just listening, glad you're able to do so - glad you're a part of the whole without having to say anything?

When you're walking in a group, do you stop without anyone noticing and stare up at the night sky, happy the stars are out?
Sometimes when something very happy happens to someone, do you want to burst into tears?
Do you smile suddenly because you recall that you're best friend had french fries at 3 in the morning or because the porche that just breezed past you looked like a bug with big eyes??

Do you like chocolate??
Hot tea or coffee when it's raining outside?
Arent you totally in love with this guy with the lopsided smile?
Didn't you cry in the shower that other day?

There is no visible sword hanging over your head. No visible freshly watered lawn on which you are walking. But i know you felt the dew under your feet because i felt it too.

Bulleted Body

Never asked for it. Never, not once.

Never wished it were so...never hoped for, never felt that there was something less, something missing.

Never wanted more...

Then you, oh God, chose to turn never wanted, never wished for, non-existent wishes into reality.

Grant me what i never knew i lacked, i never felt i didn't have.

There you messed up...didn't do a neat job of it...only succeeded in making me anti.

Only succeeded in making me acutely aware of what i don't have, what i will never have...and making me feel guilty that i should even be thinking of having any more...when you already gave me so much to begin with.

A fine circus it is now, my head. Funny that you the external source for turmoil should also reside within my internal workings....and they call you God....

Sadly or Happily, i do too....

"It's like a heart you never had and so didn't really feel anything.

But once it is created, then you start hoping. You wait and you wait for it to fill up.

But it doesn't and it's emptiness weighs you down."

Of all the things we ask to know about, i wish i never knew...

Glue was good...

Scandalizing people was quite a favorite pastime of his but sometimes, like now, he let go of himself.

He was sitting atop his favorite rock, overlooking the sea. It was late afternoon and there was still a slightly warm touch to the wind that blew in persistent little circles around him. He wasn’t wearing his usual attire. A plain blue jeans and white shirt was all that covered his body, hardly offering any protection against the natural elements. Not that he cared much about that. He wasn’t exactly vulnerable to such things.

But even Arcade wasn’t immune to everything. There was a part of his steady heart that was vulnerable to a lot of pain. But not today… Today it was beating strongly; beating a seldom-indulged little wish.

She is so stupid… he was smiling as he thought about it, about her. He wasn’t even bothered to think what it meant: him thinking about her like this, so peacefully. He didn’t care if he knew it already. Today was one of those rare days when he didn’t mind letting all guard down. There was no one around for him to put up a show anyway.

Oh, if only she knew…what would she say? I am her closest friend. Friends don’t…

Don’t what? Love? That’s not right…

What, now I’m saying I love her??

Arcade laughed softly; an almost quiet chuckle. So what if I do…I’m happy just…being. Being like this, being someone she loves as a friend. It makes me feel so good, inside…he lifted his face to the sun, squinting for a moment and then closing his eyes…it’s like a secret that no one can take from me…talk about me, my clothes, my language, my attitude, anything, everything you think you know…

Talk what you will…

I know what I have to do…and now, I have this feeling with me…so, it’ll be easier…Arcade knew that when the sun set, he would get off the rock and head back home. He knew that he’d sleep and wake up the next morning as if the evening-date with the deep, deep sea never happened. He’d wake up as the Arcade everyone knew him to be.

But it wasn’t something to be sad of. There was no need or place for that. He wasn’t living two lives. He was living one life, one bit a time. And besides, he’d be back again next week. Same time, same place, same thoughts…

Those weekly hours spent in the company of grey rocks, moss, water and his thoughts were like glue holding the rest of his nomadic existence together.

A slow, lazy smile crossed his upturned face. And glue was good…

RIP 'POPIE'

You know that finally, that’s where you’re headed to. It’s where your road leads to. And along that road is your destiny. That journey, what you make of it, the song you sing as you walk along is what your destiny is. but there’s stuff left to do and I think you’ll try and finish it, you know…you’ll look up and sigh and think ‘just a little while longer, love…I’ll be home soon…just gotta complete this’

Did you really complete your life?? I can’t believe that. I know you wanted to live. I know because I know the people you left behind. I know because I learnt of you as if you were standing and breathing next to me from them, from her. Still can’t believe you’re gone. You were taken. It’s only fair that they at least get the strength to accept it.

‘Gone to God, be good about it’ they say. I say no. when someone dies, kick up a fuss, be bad about it…take your time in getting to accept it, then accepting that you’ll have to move on.

Didn’t get to drink tea with you. Too bad, huh? Heck, I hardly even know you. All I know is that this amazing girl whom I love so much loves you. Never got to rag you guys about it.

pg's 'P O P I E'
RIP

KISSED BY A DREAM

Touched by your life

I was kissed by a dream

I glimpse you know

Your memory moulds my life-stream

 

An upturn of your lips

My world's downright nice

Just to watch you sleep

I'd stay up all night

 

Do you know

The sunshine glow

In my heart

When you're close?

Just close my eyes

And let go, everything goes

Everything comes around to you

 

I'm kissed by a dream

I'm kissed by your dream

I'm awake in all my dreams because of you

 

On the banks of this river

Are two different views

But the water's a life giver

We'll meet very soon

 

I have known the peace of love

And the tumult too

They complete each other

Like the sun and the moon

And in their collected beam

I hold hands with you

I'm kissed by a dream

And so are you…

Every Now and Then...

Things get difficult.

But that is only because you can handle it. I wish to believe that we are not faced with problems we cannot solve.

I'm not there yet, but I believe I'm on the way. I'm a lot stronger now: I have overcome a lot of the fears and insecurities and I no longer carry them with me every waking minute of my life. But I'm not strong enough yet…

 

Physically, I'm pretty messed up and I'm not sure how much of that is psychological.

If you'd ask me, I'd say not much. Not because I'd rather it not be psychological.

I just know. And you can see some of the times, especially if you're a little low on luck. Like my mother is.

But most of the times you can't and people look at you weird.

Teachers think you're lazy; you're making excuses, that you pay too much attention to yourself. Friends think you'd rather not spend time with them, that you're proud and haughty and so will not move, act, or play like them.

It's okay though.

You're the only one living your life and you know what's true and what isn't about it.

I'm fighting this, trust me, I so am.

I'm going to be stronger. I'm going to excel in my field.

Maybe not right away, but I am.

So what if I have to wait for a while, so long as I get there eventually?

So what if I have weaknesses that my counterparts don't?

I have my strengths too.

Appearances will always be deceptive...

HA!

The writer of this…eh…blog, she's not really someone capable of reporting any happening or by-chance existence of anything, or anyone, as just that: by chance.

Now, let ME tell you about me. I am Arcade… (Yeah, believe it or not, she got the name right)

Who am I? We'll find out, now wont we?

Why am I?

You will stand away, miles away, point and whisper, curse and admire, all the time wishing you were me.

My being the way I am is essential for you to feel good about yourself. How else will you justify your being, your every breath? You cannot say aloud that you yearn for me, to be me. So instead you say I disgust you. I offend the very essence of society and decent brotherhood.

Am I really that bad? Am I that bad when you think of me, when you're all alone? Am I that bad when you think no one is looking? Am I really that bad when you think no one can hear your thoughts?

Am I worth your time? Am I really worth your time? Is my body the most outrageous, unjust, law-less, cruel and anti-human thing out there, on the streets, so that it requires so much of your passion and rightful, justified anger?

You disgust me.

The whole lot of you spineless, lowly cowards crawling all over this earth in the wake of what was once called human. You, who with your dirty houses and dirty hearts, scoff and snigger at others' dirt.

Don't get me wrong people; I am not anti-social at all. And ladies, you're truly beautiful, you know. It is not every young man who is honored by the unblinking attention of so many fine women all the time. I kiss your hand, I bow to you.

Wait, then again, that really isn't my style. Ah, what the heck…

Pardon my mood swings. I am, after all, channeling my great wisdom through the hands of a temperamental, juvenile girl.

*sigh* See Ya *Not that I really want to*