Sunday, 13 February 2011


Trigger Warning: Self-Injury

Mad, she slammed the door
stomped to the bed and
threw her weight against mute, unyeilding cloth and cotton

Screaming seemed a good idea
smashing things to the floor seemed better
old habits die hard
but if you get older leaving the habits behind,
they come back to you reluctantly
almost never, like abandoned children
who refuse to return to the nest that never was

Her nails were too big
she fished for the nailcutter in the clutter that was her room
found it and forced it on her fingers

If her hands were shaking
if she was careless
if she sneezed suddenly or the room shook by way of providence
but you can't play out the future in your head
and expect manifestations before your eyes
and so, when the nailcutter closed with a snap
the only things that cut were nails

Her shirt was loose, button missing at the top
A safety pin held the cloth together against her chest
she plucked it out

Like swift streams flowing with practiced grace
like little pebbles rolling down a slope
like the invisible lines made by ballet dancers
to recreate them on the plains of her arms
armed with just a tiny, sharp point
a temporary tattoo of red
a permanant one of brown

Afterwards, she replaces the pin,
switches off the light and gets into bed
Her arm is outstretched for all the world to see - unmarred, unmarked

Saturday, 1 January 2011

2011 Thoughts

Okay. This is it - another new year.
New calenders, new diaries, new clothes, new toothbrush, a jacket for the cold, new socks (my first pair in years), new 'resolutions' - old place, old college, old friends, old hand-writing, same old feelings.

I guess the only difference, probably the most significant one, is that now there is new resolve.
I still am addicted to tea.
I got my guitar from Hyderabad - God, my fingers have rusted and If I can't do the F chord smoothly enough before Feb ending (that's giving me a LONG time), I shall pluck the strings off and strangle myself with them!
Meanwhile, I can play familiar old tunes, all thanks to the net...

1. You can be angry and be a laughing, joking person. One does not have to come at the cost of the other
2. The stories will not write themselves and it's okay for stories to exist without known beginnings or endings. As long as the heart of the matter is there, the body will build around it...sooner if you get the basics down on paper (or on MS Word...)
3. Tackle the Stairs
4. Resolution No. 1
5. Resolution No. 2
6. Bring my baby home - how?? Step 1: Start searching for Kennels....
7. Live up to the reputation - work hard this time
8. Don't be weak that's the list, more or less. I'm not writing Resolutions 1 and 2 here.
In fact, I should print this out and stick it on my wall.

Mostly Positive
Happy New Year - it's 2011!!