SATENWARE

GEN 'insert alphabet'

Do you even know what that means? It is easy, so easy to give birth to new expressions and images but who will define meanings for these?

Will it still remain yours after being seen and used in a 1000 different ways by a 1000 different people?

Get down from that high horse you sit on. It is a mere illusion which gives you so much power. Now I have seen that illusion and I have seen through it, so be ready to share it with me.
So easy for you, so very easy: you have crossed the damn river twice over and now standing on the other side, so acutely aware of your accomplishments and your travails, you mock those who are struggling to cross. You even go so far as to say that they will never cross with such weak and despicable thoughts and actions.

You know what’s worse?? You are bloody, God-be-damned right...

I am not going to be crossing anything anytime soon – not like this, not with what I have and what I am. But hearing that repeatedly, seeing that in you and in me, in the mirror, in the swirling dregs in my tea, in the clouds, in the stinking red of the buildings and the choking grey of the concrete beneath my feet – it doesn’t help, not even in the least bit.

A plague upon every smirking, smug, self-satisfied face...You can take your victory to the grave, and I will take mine (victory, or lack of it) with me...But I live too, as plainly as you do and that alone is the pinnacle for some, so I’ll start with treasuring that.
Not choosing sides, not adhering to the known and understood forms of support or resistance, not falling in any definable category and by that alone, belonging to an all new condemnable one, all this troubles the illusion of balance, of a perfect functioning system. But that is only in the beginning. After a while, even the anomaly becomes a part of the whole, a part of the system and you find you don’t need any drastically innovative way to deal with it.

But I believe that somewhere in the madness around me, there is still a path that is laid. It doesn’t run for long and can only take me to a point and all it does is give me time. For as long as the path runs, that long I have to decide whatever path I will create and follow at the end of the old one.

If this is euphemism, if this is blind hope, a coward’s excuse, a procrastinator’s new resolution, an immobile, dormant will’s promise to action, then so be it. Whatever gives...

WELCOME TO THE SHOW

WELCOME TO THE SHOW
when the literal is too less
and the figurative is too much

 

(It's the most ironical of things

That fear should bring with it bad memories

After the memories have stopped bringing fear

 

It's difficult to draw the line

Between what affects the body and what affects the mind

And how anything can trigger it sometimes)

 

Welcome, to the Show:

My cast is rather familiar, I must say

Today, they will perform for me

The story of the City

We start with the present

Enter the Sea

Such force, such fury

Forever falling against the banks of the city

Forever dancing, calm or otherwise

Forever restrained like it's meant to be

Today the Sea breaks onto the land

And not a structure that still stands

 

I crash against you for the little crack

For the summers of calm and lack

Of activity, the nights of restless ponder

And the time I didn't know

I could be free but freedom can be painful

And sometimes restrain over the unrestrained

Is an illusion worth holding on to

 

The curtains close and open

The second Act

Time for some flashback

And estranged twins sweep onto the stage

Make way for the Winter Cold and the live Fire

Both a part of mirth and mire

Fire always burned bright in the heart of the City

And so made the lovely, lonely Winter less cold

And the Winter rejoiced

For this balance is the manifestation of sanctity

And pure good will and nature

But every once in a while

A harsh wind winds its way around the town

Creeps over shoulders

And smothers hope

Puts all goodwill down

 

For all my light, I couldn't foresee This

And when I could, I was reduced to glowering embers

I let the cold slip past my vigil

These things happen, what could I have done

But I still live in your heart; I am your own personal Sun

 

For all my Frost and Cold, I am but nature

True and Old

I wish my creations were less harsh

I wish peace and bliss could last

A little longer than that

But now your warm heart is a hot inferno

And my cold will only be a cool memory

Tempered in fire and in ice

You are the free wind in the skies

 

And so the Act comes to an end

The characters, they bow and leave

But are soon replaced by the last entrant

Watch the Wind

As it whips you back into the present

And tries to breeze past issues that have lost words

 

I know you don't see me

I know you believe in me

I know you bless me for my presence

And I know you curse me too

For the mad haste I display now and then

But I carry your whispers and cries all over the world

And when I whisper, you strain to hear the echo of your words

I am driven by your Joy in being a part of me

And so I sail over the seas, I play with the snowflakes

And so I kindle the flames, I settle over your place

I sigh when you breathe, I huff when you leave

I change my direction to join your fleet

I fly over the moon in a single beat

Now I rest in the trees, amongst the leaves

They catch me when I free fall

The leaves will fall

And I will blow myself away

But every time we meet

We make music worth the stay

 

And that is that, thank you very much

The Show goes on, like they say

Curtain Call – but the stage is bare

My cast has left to perform elsewhere

 

Conversations and Conflicts I

"I can't get to sleep..."

"Why?"

"I don't know...afraid to, I suppose..."

"What do you have to fear?? It's not like you're six and you fear the demons in the dark. Even if you did, there are none..."

"There are, if I close my eyes..."

"You're afraid of being caught unawares...HAH! but seriously, who do you think will get you here, in your own home, on your own bed!? No one can touch you..."

"I'M NOT AFRAID OF THAT!!"

"So you will say..."

"I'M NOT!! I don't have to prove it to you, of all the people...I'm afraid of what I see and hear and feel when I'm asleep...as simple as that..."

"Ah..I see..perhaps because you dream of THAT?? Is that why you can't bear to lose yourself to sleep? Afraid that your sleeping mind will overthrow the illusions in your waking one??"

"No...I don't care what you say...you know, you've been in my head...you know...I can't forever run from somthing that never even happened, to begin with..."

"Then why run?? Why the drama, the pretence of the chase??"

"Because I can't bring myself to believe that it's over...that it'll never surface again..."

"So now you live in fear of reliving something that never happened?"

"As long as these images keep playing in my mind, I'll always feel hunted..."

"You're pathetic...too weak to face the past and cut it down once and for all, too weak to chuck it and move on..."

"I don't wanna chuck what has made me me...I want it to be acknowedged first, then demythified...then destryoed...is that too much to ask for??"

"Some would say so..."

"I know and I'm my own proof...and that keeps me...but sometimes it's not enough, not nearly..."


Sometimes, when you're combing your hair or when you're typing a report, you think of what you were thought to be, what you still might be thought as...and you crumble into a thousand, dirty, ugly pieces...It lasts for a few minutes, for hours at times...then, sometimes, like now, it lasts for days and weeks and you shrink within yourself...shrink till there is little that identifies you as human save for your outwardly appearance...

If there was a devil and a hell, it must be a weak, sinful, unmoving lump, crouched in a corner of a surgically-sharp imagination, awake, scared, angry, in pain and waiting for a doom that will never come, but is ever anticipated...

For them all, who didnt come back after that day

Can you forgive me this once more
I blew up big this time
promised you i'd be home
I stand guilty for someone else's crime

I have stashed your diary in the bottom drawer
sorry about that, now you know where it is
You write amazingly, by the way
and yeah, i loved it

Jimmy, your hair is NOT girly!
And yeah, daddy did put up a fight
a big one, like when Batman fought two-face
But the Bat's luckier than me
than again, maybe not - he aint got you

Julie, julie, my little julie
Your toothless smile is the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world
I wish, from the very pits of my heart,
that i could have told you that myself

But you already know that
Daddy is clever, he could always see it in your eyes:
Ah, that knowing look....
Daddy's girl is the best in the world

My love...there's nothing i can tell you that you dont already know
I love that photo of yours with the long, plaited hair on either side
I carry it with me all the time
It's a pity there was only one copy

But then look at it this way:
I have the rooted knowledge of your love, now for all eternity
I have all the memories
and they have you
And you have me

Ofcourse, that doesnt mean i was content to leave
Not in the least, never
I was where i belonged
Now i have changed my address
and i hope and pray you all dont move in with me before the place is ready!
kinda empty, need's working on...
it's ok, im working on it...

i know i will see you
so i wont say 'see you'
and you know this is not goodbye
or good night
this is just me trying to say i'm sorry
and that im grateful for you and for jimmy and julie
and that i love you all
always and forver

Dew beneath our feet

I can see all of you in front of me. You seem normal.
Nothing out of the place, no sword hanging in the air above your heads.
You look fine, honey...in bold and italics, if it makes the point any clearer or stronger.

And i know i look exactly like that too.
But i am not.
So then, are you???

Do you look on the outside the way i know i do? On the inside, are you also riddled cheese, wobbly jelly and hard diamonds all mixed up?

No visible sword hanging over your head or mine.
Ah, the battles invisible issues fight on non-existant planes...
But, not to get distracted, are you then as deep in soup as me?
Are you dancing on a hot pan, trying to not move while doing so??

Do you feel wronged? Is life weird to you too?
But kind at the same time, giving you the essential love you thrive upon?
Do you wish you could close your eyes and just be sometimes?
Do you find peace when everyone's talking around you and you're just listening, glad you're able to do so - glad you're a part of the whole without having to say anything?

When you're walking in a group, do you stop without anyone noticing and stare up at the night sky, happy the stars are out?
Sometimes when something very happy happens to someone, do you want to burst into tears?
Do you smile suddenly because you recall that you're best friend had french fries at 3 in the morning or because the porche that just breezed past you looked like a bug with big eyes??

Do you like chocolate??
Hot tea or coffee when it's raining outside?
Arent you totally in love with this guy with the lopsided smile?
Didn't you cry in the shower that other day?

There is no visible sword hanging over your head. No visible freshly watered lawn on which you are walking. But i know you felt the dew under your feet because i felt it too.

Bulleted Body

Never asked for it. Never, not once.

Never wished it were so...never hoped for, never felt that there was something less, something missing.

Never wanted more...

Then you, oh God, chose to turn never wanted, never wished for, non-existent wishes into reality.

Grant me what i never knew i lacked, i never felt i didn't have.

There you messed up...didn't do a neat job of it...only succeeded in making me anti.

Only succeeded in making me acutely aware of what i don't have, what i will never have...and making me feel guilty that i should even be thinking of having any more...when you already gave me so much to begin with.

A fine circus it is now, my head. Funny that you the external source for turmoil should also reside within my internal workings....and they call you God....

Sadly or Happily, i do too....

"It's like a heart you never had and so didn't really feel anything.

But once it is created, then you start hoping. You wait and you wait for it to fill up.

But it doesn't and it's emptiness weighs you down."

Of all the things we ask to know about, i wish i never knew...