This is not me

Trigger Warning: Self-Injury

This chasm is all I feel

This emptiness that just won’t leave

Defines everything I succumb to

Dictates inaction, saps the will to move

Dictates action I subject myself to

Dictates moments that I break and dissolve into

And everything I grasp I try to keep within

I will not call your attention to the cracks in my skin

I will not stop cracking

Do I want you to look, but what if you look away

Do I want you to see what I cannot explain?

Is it silence I seek from the blood and the pain

Or just the company of retards that cannot complain

Or testify to fell deeds of shame

I try to retrace the moment it all fell apart

The restraint, the reason that evades me now

This person, this leech I’ve come to embody

Is only similar in form to past reflections

This person, this flea that I’ve fallen to be

Is not who I am, not who I should be

This person, this silent monster I’ve given free reign

To do as it pleases with my physical being

This monster I birthed, I braided into

Is so very like the person, the being of before

And frequently it fools even itself

Into thinking it’s the same old, same old

Preserved so well

But this monster, this person

With thirsty, sharp teeth

This is not me, this is not me

I am not so fell, I refuse to believe

I can go against everything

I have etched into every last fiber of me

I tell myself I can choose differently

If somebody taught me how to

Somebody other than me

Somebody unavailable, immortal

Not effervescent human like me

I wait for somebody that will never come or come to be

And yet I wait oh so patiently

I tell myself I can do differently

That there doesn’t have to be a next time

And I’ve already thought of, planned out next time

And I’ve already tasted the rush

And no, I am convinced

This is not me, this is not me

I am madness and wildness and reason and all heart

And this is not right, this is not right

This is not me